(306) With the claw + links

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I bet you read the last entry and thought "oh well, there is no way this can get worse".
Hold my nettle tea.
Turns out my cold is actually a flu from hell. And during that awesome time when I was in bed sweating through layers of blankets I managed to wreak my wrist.
I was getting out of tub and it snapped and then my right hand went numb. Something fucked up.
Not the bone.
Not the tendons.
The nerve.
Do you know how long it can take to heal a nerve? Up to 3 months.
Do you know what the treatment is? Daily injection.
In the ass.
Yep. So that's what's been happening. I am writing these words with my functional left hand and with 1 finger on the right because the rest is paralyzed. I have had 5 injections in my butt this week, my hand is still messed up and I can't even enjoy my time off work because 1. I am in bed all the time because I still have flu 2. I only leave this bed to a) pee b) turn on the computer to check out the web for like an hour with my mangled hand c) get the ass injection in the clinic nearby 3. I am not sure when my hand gets back to normal and it's scary.
The nurse saw my ass this week more times than any man in the past year. This is so goddamn depressing.
What else is going to happen to me this month? Will boo boo personally come here to punch me in the face instead of to bang me? Will he kill me and take a dump on my dead body? Will my head fall off? Will the gates off Hell open, suck me in and will I be forced to watch the marathon of Baby Driver, Antichrist and Girls for eternity? Cause with the way this month is going this seems plausible.
Actually the only implausible thing is the boo boo part. He is too sweet to do that. Especially to an ill, insane person with a, hopefully, temporary disability.
This column is practically like Tales of The Crypt reboot at this point. It's horrific, deranged and laced with humor. It features mangled body parts and terrifying stuff like crippling loneliness and deranged fangirlism.
Let's take a moment and appreciate my dedication/lunacy that even with the misshapen claw I still manage to leave comments, tweet and post this filth right here.
Here's Hugh on Global Citizen Festival event this week --->
What a marvelous photo. Particularly around a certain area.
And here's the video.
He acts, he sings, he dances, he tries to stop the poverty...I'm pretty sure if he would just look at my wrist it would heal itself.
And here he is supporting mother! on his twitter. I can't believe that this sweet innocent baby kangaroo sat through it. I should have been there to protect him. Cover his face with my body through most of it. For his sake.
Forget my wrist. Something far worse has happened.
The wig has returned:
Why? Just why? Have I not been through enough as it is?
It looked slightly less horrific when they were shooting scenes with Vera Farmiga who plays his wife.
And here's J-boo tweeting pics of his bare chest because of course he did. The thing is that this pic is like one year old. Why does he do this? Does he actually need to do anything other than existing to attract women? Though an argument could be made his Gucci clothes act like a fairly strong repellent.
Hey speaking of Jared, he was on Fallon on Wednesday and it went exactly as you think it went.
Jared is also using the marketing for the film to end the condomgate now saying that he didn't send any condoms to the co-stars from Suicide Squad.
Blade Runner 2049 social embargo lifted and the reviews are glowing. This is good news but then again so were the ones for Arrival and we all know how much I enjoyed that.
I think very soon Gosling is gonna piss himself laughing during those promo things.
There's talk of cyber sex scene in the movie. I hope it features Leto but with my luck it's gonna be pretty boy Gosling and Knock Knock girl.
Meanwhile, Darren Aronofsky did the second AMA on reddit this week and in general cannot shut up. That second AMA thing is just desperate, what's worse he didn't respond to the most important question and I had to personally deliver the answer.
He also unleashed the new poster which only caused more controversy because, well, look at it:

Speaking of controversy there is some heading towards I, Tonya. Neon, the distributor, has ties to Alamo Drafthouse which currently appears to be the home of all the perverts - 1,2. Also Sebastian Stan is an idiot. And that is in addition to Stan liking all those meme pics of him with stache stating he looks like a pedo but is still hot. I always knew he is overrated but I never thought he is also stupid. The joke is dumb but for an actor to acknowledge the joke let alone like these memes is just asking for trouble in this day and age.
Mean tweets featuring Jennifer Lawrence being gross and TMI again because of course.
Meanwhile, Kate Winslet appears to be actually possessed by JLaw and telling ridiculous stories on talk shows.
She's promoting that piece of shit movie she did with Idris all of us are gonna watch anyways because it's Idris being heroic in the mountains. He is doing a much better job promoting it - here he is reading sexy fan fiction about himself.
Boyd Holbrook's

girlfriend instagrams the best stuff. Also she is expecting his baby so yey for these genes spreading. I think they just got married.

*I'm not in the least bit jealous*

I think I need to watch The Free World. It looks like it's worth my time:

On the downside, Shane Black says that there won't be any marketing for The Predator for at least 4 months. In other words no footage of Boyd being all badass in military gear for 4 months. I'm sad.
Speaking of Jacob Tramblay, who let me type this again because I want to see how many times I have to type this to really realize it's true - who is also in The Predator, I saw The Book of Henry this week. It was actually nowhere near as terrible as people claimed. Yes, it's about 5 different movies jammed into one but the actors did well and really, this is nowhere near the worst movie of the year. Also some of it was really moving. I never wanna see Tremblay cry again. Protect him from those Predators, Boyd!
On Wednesday I saw The Beguiled right after watching the original for the first time and it was so mediocre, 5/10 tops. Everything that was interesting, edgy or 'controversial' about the original was taken out and the characters were mangled in the process. Hell, the soldier in the original was at least purposefully leading them on, here Farrell's character was so innocent the women really did come off as vengeful bitches and for no reason whatsoever because the writing is so atrocious. The sexual tension between him and the headmistress, teacher and the oldest student is so well presented and gradually built in the original, here everything comes out of nowhere.
What a waste of good actors, they did their best but nothing comes close to the performances from the original because the characters there were so much more interesting. Previously I was lamenting Jackman wasn't cast as a soldier, not that Farrell was bad, but it would be such a great casting but not even him could have saved it because the script and the characters are so thin.
Really don't watch the mess of a remake, watch the original instead. The new version is one of the worst and pointless remakes I've seen in my entire life. When my wrist is better I'm gonna write an entire post trashing this thing.
Yesterday I watched Wind River ad while it wasn't as good as Sicario or especially as Hell or High Water it's my number 3 of the year after Logan and Dunkirk. The film is very disturbing - the flashback sequence presents one of the scariest possible scenarios that could easily happen in real life and if a guy like that cannot protect a woman, no one can. The film is so well scored and Renner gives the performance of his career there. Also his heroic moment near the end is one of the biggest 'hell yeah!' moments of the year.
In really bad news from Hellishwood they are rebooting The Nice Guys as a female-led TV series.
The Irishman is really happening.
James Cameron is still being a dick. Drag him, Lynda.
Congratulations to Kit Harington who has finally bent the knee and proposed to the lovely Rose Leslie.
Liam Neeson is now saying he is not retiring from action films after all. I wonder how much money they paid him. Still, get that money, Liam. He is a nice guy and how can you not love those films.
Michelle Williams is in talks to play Tom Hardy's romantic interest in Venom. What the hell?! She played boo boo's romantic partner twice and now this? How lucky can one person be? I DON'T EVEN HAVE FUNCTIONAL LIMBS ANYMORE.
On the plus side the film arrives in October 2018. There's gonna be so many shirtless shots of Hardy before all the body horror stuff happens. I mean, hopefully.
And here's trailer for Peaky Blinders season 4.
Hilarious pictures of Jonah Hill on the set of that new show he is doing.
Armando Iannucci is gonna make another show for HBO and that is fantastic news.
Yep, people want to bang Pennywise. Just today I saw this on tumblr. Speaking of, It sequel is gonna be released on September 6th, 2019 and let's hope it won't feature Jessica Chastain and blue moths.
Brittani reviews Jackie Brown and Allie writes about Reservoir Dogs
Dell ranks Batman films
Sean writes about Kingsman: The Golden Circle
Katy reviews Kong: Skull Island
m.brown writes about Wind River
Chris reviews Alex's Wait