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Streaming Movie-***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion (or other commenters), that's fine. To each their own. These reviews are not meant to be statements of facts or endorsements, I am just sharing my opinions and my perspective when watching the film and is not meant to reflect how these films should be viewed. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 0-5. 0, of course, being unwatchable. 1, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching! When an R-rated movie is made for those who can't even get into the theater of an R-rated movie then you've done something wrong.
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Hellboy (2019) – 1 out of 5
I really enjoy Guillermo del Toro’s Hellboy films. The director has such a creative eye and Ron Perlman is so much fun as the titular character. While some were upset when it was announced that a third film, despite the level of interest from audiences, wasn’t going to be made and, instead, a reboot was devised, I wasn’t too upset. I don’t get bogged down with toxic nostalgia and understand that it is possible to like numerous iterations of a character and story and, to be honest, I like seeing properties readapted. When I heard that David Harbour of Stranger Things fame would be taking over the Red Right Hand I was happy because I think he’s great. When I saw the first trailer I thought the film looked fun but when I heard the goal was for an R-rating I got worried. Aiming for a rating rather than focusing on the story never ends well (right, DC?) and, sure enough, the film proved to be a juvenile mess of a product that was extremely hard to sit through.
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| I can't emphasize enough that I really had high hopes for this one and wanted to like it. |
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| The Queen's secondary plan was to chew all the scenery with her overacting. |
In the Dark Ages, an evil Blood Queen named Vivian Nimue (Milla Jovovich) has unleashed a plague on England but is foiled by King Arthur and his men. They dismember her body and hide her remains across England. Now, in the present day, a creature by the name of Gruagach (voiced by Stephen Graham) is charged with finding her remains so that she can once again be whole and then unleash her plague on the whole world. Meanwhile, Hellboy (Harbour), a demon that was raised by the Nazis but intercepted and made good, works for the B.P.R.D. (the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Development) and is sent by his adopted father; Trevor Bruttenholm (Ian McShane), to figure out what is going on. Now Hellboy must team with a medium named Alice Monaghan (Sasha Lane) and an M11 soldier named Ben Daimio (Daniel Dae Kim) and together they must stop the Blood Queen from killing all life on the planet.
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| He may be a demon but it's still bad manners to just walk around with no shirt on. |
I really wanted to like this new adaptation of Hellboy but found the entire product to be an utter mess. I was worried that my distaste for the film was stemming from rose-colored glasses of the two previous films from del Toro but as the film progressed I realized that it wasn’t me and the film was a sloppy product. There’s a lot that just wasn’t working in the film and I think the biggest problem stems from the fact the feature had a target rating. I’m not a prude and have nothing against an R-rating but when a goal is to get a certain rating and not to focus on the story then the entire product is harmed. Hellboy shows this as it is filled with so many F-bombs and needless gore that the whole product feels like it was crafted for underage boys who see saying “Fuck” as the ultimate identifier of being an adult. Literally, this film has two scenes where the pithiest line that Hellboy and the other characters can say in response to an insult is “Fuck you, too.” That is a telling sign that story, character and conflict wasn’t the priority but rather a childish quest to show what a big boy they are by getting the precious R-rating medal of mediocrity.
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| Daniel Dae Kim is too handsome and talented to be wasted on a bad reboot. He at least deserves to be in good reboots...but seriously, he should be a leading man. |
This narrow focus of a rating over substance trickles down to every aspect of the movie. First off, the story is a complete mess that overwhelmingly feels like disconnected threads that are forcefully tied together. The beginning establishes both the antagonist and Hellboy in decent enough ways but after that the story feels like it is going all over the place as it involves Hellboy going after some giants and then meeting up with a medium friend and then it culminates in what comes off like the character literally just falling into a trapdoor of the central conflict. To make matters worse, Hellboy’s backstory is haphazardly thrown into the mix and that is juggled with him coming to grips with his place in the world and the drama it imposes on Bruttenholm’s character. The movie ended up feeling like they were adapting bits and pieces from dozens of Hellboy’s comics and then decided to halfheartedly connect them in the most arbitrary way possible. This approach also has the added side-effect of making the entire film drag very often and gives the two hour-plus run time a feeling that it is taking twice as long.
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| Ian McShane never sugarcoats how he feels about the projects he is in... I wonder how he feels about Hellboy... |
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| "Add more stupid looking blood. We need that rating to show what big boys we are!" |
Next, this film has some truly cringe-worthy computer effects. I know toxic nostalgia has led to a lot of people hating CGI as a concept but I enjoy it and I also enjoy practical effects. However, when done poorly computer generated effects are hard to deal with (bad practical effects are the same way). The computer effects in Hellboy are not only just a plain ugly mess to look at but it further muddles the tone this film contains. For the life of me I don’t know what they were aiming for with this one. It was stated that this reboot was meant to stray away from del Toro’s more fantasy leanings with his two films and embrace the more horror-side of the comic book but when you’re monsters look poorly rendered and cartoonish your product doesn’t feel very horror-based and then if you think by splashing bad animated blood everywhere will somehow course-correct you are wrong and left with something that doesn’t even look good from a visual standpoint within any genre.
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| I'm guessing the production just said, "Sure...why the hell not?" when they saw this. |
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| You get Thomas Hayden Church and you regulate him to a cameo? Could we have traded at least 10 minutes of Jovovich for more Church? |
Finally, there is the cast. Milla Jovovich is her usual over-the-top self and her performance does little to make the Blood Queen a decent antagonist—although, it is not entirely her fault since the writing is weak. Daniel Dae Kim, Sasha Lane and Ian McShane are all tremendous in their roles—hell, McShane is probably one of the film’s brightest spots. I really liked the vocal performance of Stephen Graham as Gruagach. Sure, the character was terrible to look at due to the awful CG but Graham was fantastic in the role. Lastly, there’s David Harbour as Hellboy. I won’t make the argument that Harbour wasn’t any good in the role because he wasn’t but, sadly, he wasn’t that spectacular either. The biggest issue is his take on Hellboy is very unlikeable and he comes off more of an asshole rather than a likeable anti-hero. It was also very disappointing that I had an incredibly difficult time understanding him because it seemed like he was mumbling the entire time but it wasn’t as disappointing as having the protagonist be just kinda/sorta okay.
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| Harbour didn't have to get ripped to be Hellboy and just got to wear a suit... Can I do that in my everyday life in order to help my low self-esteem? |
Hellboy is probably one of the biggest disappointments I’ve been hit with in a while. I was very excited to see David Harbour take over the role and excited to see a new vision of the character come to the screen but the film was just a gee dee mess. The only redeeming factor is that it serves as a perfect example of what can go wrong with a production when the main concern is getting a rating rather than to actually tell a story.
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